Southwestern holiday . . . a mockery of all that is good in the world.

Now that the glow of the Christmas season is behind us, I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Christmas in AZ.

I am seriously about to be dramatic. You can't say I didn't warn you.

As a general rule I don't like Southwestern motif. Why do middle class white people feel lead to decorate their homes and businesses with cacti, boots, and the ever-present Kokopelli. (I just gaged a little) I don't mean a tastefully decorated adobe home. I mean disgusting displays of tourist crap . . . FILLING AN ENTIRE HOUSE.

That being said, I knew that moving to Phoenix would be a challenge in this area, especially at Christmastime.

Picture this . . . There I was driving down the road. It was dark, mid November. I was enjoying the Christmas decor on all the fancy buildings in Scottsdale when suddenly . . . NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! It was the most horrible of my Southwestern Christmas nightmares: a saguaro covered completely in twinkle lights. NOOOOOO!!! It was gross.

A few days later: I pushed my orange/red Target cart through the store in the direction of nirvana. Yes, that's right, the Christmas decoration section. I just love to walk down the aisles amongst the sparkles and evergreens. I had just completed the stocking aisle and turned my cart toward the obnoxious yard ornaments, when I lost controll of my faculties. I began to scream and wretch and flail in agony. There on the top shelf sandwiched between the Frosty and the mechanized light up reindeer was a light up saguaro. It had a jaunty Santa hat on top and I'm willing to bet the two arms moved to an age old Christmas carol. I had to avert my eyes and drag my body to a safe distance while dry heaving on the gum splattered Target tile.

Once I recovered from this horrible incident, I made a call to my mom so she could sympathize with me and try to convince me to move home to TX. I finished my rant after a few minutes and the first words out of her blessed mouth were, "I want one!!!"